I feel well. I’d even say I feel better than some days when I was healthy. It seems crazy, I know, but I realize I savor life better now. I live, like my New York friends Jason or Neil would say, «at my fullest».
The bitch teaches a lot. It made me more patient, as if I wasn’t already. But now there are no limits; actually it has stretched this limits so much that they seem infinite.
Only this can explain how I stand the too many delays of my daily life. You’re forced to forget every hurry. Some of you might think it’s paradise. Think again : I envy your days full of appointments, whether you are blocked in interstate traffic, bringing your children to the grocery store or to school.
I miss being in a hurry. Taking up every and any commitment. I just found an imperfection in my situation. Patience helps in many other instances. Do you know the expression «bitter tears» ?
Well, I can testify that they exist. I’ve officially become a weeper, very emotional, but you already know this. At night, while I write, I happen to go from smiling to crying in a fraction of a second. I think about a funny situation and a smile appears on my face. I imagine the sensation felt, understanding its uniqueness, and I find my cheeks awash with tears. I’ve learnt that bitter tears arrive suddenly, unexpectedly, forcing me to respect at least fifteen minutes of pause, because those tears sting my beautiful and tired eyes, preventing me opening them.
Well, some small problems remain, the biggest cares being almost unknown to other humans. Sialorrhoea, horrible word. Why medical terms are so often horrible and complicated? The life of us, sick people, isn’t already hard enough ? I have a suggestion. Let’s change some scientific terms. Sialorrhoea could be transformed into «such profusion», to remind all the saliva. Electromyography could become «punch my muscles». Tracheostomy could be «forget food, booze and breathing».
Medicine is an exact science, but not like math, it allows a bit of fantasy. Dear doctors, we sick people smile easily, make us smile more, please.
but let’s go back to my problems. My tongue, unlike what happened to poor Borgonovo, has grown bigger. So whenever I cough, sneeze or yawn I bite it, and the subsequent tears oblige me to recalibrate the communicator. Other problem : nutrition itches. This is not a problem for a normal person, but it is to me. I must wait for Aiste to be around and I have to choose which body part to be scratched. I can’t ask her to scratch me EVERYWHERE.
Writing becomes a cure-all, the only healthy bit in my sick body. Memories of the past surface, almost as if the mind itself had become so overburdened with them that I feel the need to transfer them to paper… well, to the pc, and I go back to a faraway past that was very generous with me.
I don’t know if it was really that pleasant or if only positive memories surface. I must admit that life was easy. A happy family to grow up into. Model parents, great role models : my grandmother Maria, adorable and adored, a brother to share sports (a lot) and studies (not much).
A housekeeper, not from Romania, Ukraine, Philippines, but from San Benedetto, around Mantova, with all the advantages of a country woman from around here : probity, honesty, wisdom. Angela, Angiolina for us kids, started helping my mother when I was an infant, and staid with us for thirty years. Another grandmother, with the healthy habits of old and old-fashioned people. Only blemish : she never sat at our table in a show of respect. This was very sad for me, but among the traits of Mantuan country women I forgot two more : pride and stubbornness.
My motionless body doesn’t allow me to move, but the mind goes everywhere and the past becomes my favorite time, place and space, not because present and future hold unpleasant surprises (I’ve accepted that), but because memories, mostly pleasant ones, boost the morale. So, a little fantasy but a lot of memories.
They are the salt of our existence. A suggestion : live every single second not like it was your last, but because it will be another pleasant moment to remember later.